Equinophobia: The Ken White Story

By: Jason L. Van Dyke, Esq. 

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In the past 18 years or so, perhaps longer, far too many people have had an unhealthy obsession with the potential consequences of gay marriage. There are some who have said that the normalization of gay marriage would lead to increased pedophilia when of course, Markos Moulitsas was exploiting children long before Obergefell v. Hodges. Others claim that it would lead to other types of deviant sexual behaviors such as incest and polygamy. Of course, incest is now common in the Langton family tree, and after my last article went live, I heard rumors that Jacob and Esau have resorted to polyamory as part of a last ditch effort to add some cleanser to the family gene pool. Still, we cannot blame Obergefell for that any more than we can blame it for the zoophilic horrors recently discovered in a Los Angeles petting zoo owned and operated by attorney Kenneth P. White of Brown, White, & Osborn, LLP.

Ken was conceived in Las Vegas and is the unfortunate offspring of a male stripper and a female baboon. The circumstances of Ken’s conception involved members of the Smith family, hailing from Greenville, South Carolina, visiting the Circus Hotel and Casino. Their sexual appetites were exotic and their son, Robert, regularly worked the Vegas streets. The Smith family preferred sexual encounters with cows – especially the family concu-bovine [sic] named Via Angus – but wanted to broaden their reach to African primates. They never expected Robert to be capable of conception, but Ken White is living proof that sub-humans and primates are capable of interbreeding. Unfortunately, Clark County entered an order deeming the baboon an “unfit mother,” and Ken was placed into foster care. However, no amount of care from his adoptive family could erase the Lymphocryptovirus infection from his body. This baboon scourge does not affect normal human beings, but it causes symptoms in simians similar to those of its cousin – herpes – with the addition of obesity, enlarged liver, and inflamed throat. These would continue to plague him for the rest of his life and make some of his later depravities more difficult, and yet he persevered in them.

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Ken was raised by a foster family on a small farm in Rio Linda, California. Among his chores would be the feeding and care of farm animals such as geese, sheep, goats, and ponies. He went to Rio Linda public schools where being the offspring of a human father and a primate mother was particularly difficult for Ken. Since nobody wanted to be friends with someone as pathetic as he was, he was diagnosed with depression in the third grade and prescribed a cocktail of drugs to get him through the school day (and to help him resist the urge to scream like a baboon). On medication, he was able to maintain a D+ average through middle school – which is truly a remarkable achievement when considering his stock. Things began to change when he hit puberty.

Instead of beating off to human porn like most seventh graders, Ken had a particular fondness for geese raised on the farm. He went to the barn for pleasure so often that the geese started pecking at his pecker every evening when he would come in the barn to feed them. Thus, he decided it was time to move on to larger animals less likely to remove his member. He found the pigs too sloppy, and on the advice of his Scottish uncle, tried sheep on more than one occasion. Of course, Ken’s true lust was for his foster father’s award winning Shetland pony– but Ken was not even allowed in the beast’s stable.

Ken should have listened to his foster father’s warnings about the pony. One night, with his parents out of town, Ken was alone in his room reading National Geographic. Suddenly, and without warning, he was overcome with the irresistible urge to rape his foster father’s pony. He ran out to the barn, broke the lock on its cage, dropped his pants, and began doing the deed. Less than 20 seconds into the depraved act, something terrible happened: The confused and dissatisfied pony bucked forward and then kicked Ken squarely in the testicles. He fell to the floor of the barn screeching like an autistic soprano until his foster brothers came running and rushed him to the emergency room.

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The Rio Linda emergency room doctors were barely able to keep Ken’s so-called manhood intact – although a nurse giggled about how his deformed penis looked like the Pope’s hat (hence his nickname). His testicles had been catastrophically damaged and had to be removed through emergency surgery. The price of this encounter with a Shetland was heavy: A lifetime of low testosterone, infertility, and a severe case of equinophobia (the fear of ponies). From his point of view, this was not entirely awful as it provided an excuse for his more unsavory sex acts in other venues and species. While Ken’s inability to reproduce was fortunate for the future of humanity, it was quite unfortunate for the legal profession. Since it was pointless for him to focus on sex, he focused instead on school. He was determined to become the brightest student ever to make it out of Rio Linda, a name that means “Beautiful River” but which gave the world its least beautiful legal mind, to say nothing of the grossness of his form engendered by his parentage and the incurable disease it passed on to him.

 Ken was named the valedictorian of his graduating class from Rio Linda high school and wanted to attend Harvard. Although Rio Linda is at the bottom of the public school barrel, the fact that Ken was half-baboon permitted him to take advantage of affirmative action programs at Ivy League schools. As his mother’s origin allowed him to identify as “African,” Harvard University declined to consult Ken’s grades or test scores: They admitted him immediately and on full scholarship. His grades at Harvard were unremarkable, but they never had to be anything special; his ancestry and degree made him employable by the standards of most prestigious Los Angeles law firms. 

Ken knew he would be unable to reproduce in anything like the natural way and ultimately married an older receptionist that he met through his first law firm job. She was a career woman with no children, post-menopausal ovaries, and a house full of cats – which made her perfect for Ken. Although Ken’s low testosterone made him indifferent to fatherhood, his wife longed for children after failing to find any fulfillment from working in a cubicle during her child-bearing years. The two of them compromised and adopted several children from orphanages in North Korea. Since every good father wants to help his children be initiated into the sexual mysteries of adulthood, Ken had an epiphany and started a petting zoo. Thankfully, Ken’s own foster children were fully human and never had the opportunity to inherit his deficiencies or his virus. The petting zoo failed in its primary intent, though its secondary purpose gave him some relief as a receptive sexual partner. Ken’s depression worsened until he found a sense of purpose from an unlikely source: publishing a blog chock-full of damnable lies about other people. 

Ken’s libelous blog was far more successful than his petting zoo, but his low testosterone and equinophobia remain apparent in his rants. Of course, this life story was never revealed to the fans of his blog – until now. As the facts contained in this story are from second- and third-hand accounts, we certainly cannot proclaim the facts of this article as being 100% true. We are, however, fairly confident that our portrayal of Ken is at least as accurate as his portrayal of others. Who is the fraudulent buffoon now, Ken? 

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Editors Note: this column is satirical. As far as we know Ken White did not fuck his foster father’s prize pony.

Author: J.L. Van Dyke, Esq.

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