The American Obesity Problem Solved
By: Kaiser Wayne
As far as Internet culture goes, there is this prevailing notion that Americans as a nationality are much more obese than all other nations on the planet. This can be witnessed in the epithets used to refer to Americans on the 4 Chan board /pol/, with names such as, “Amerifat,” “Amerilard,” or even just simply, “Burger.” Well fellow Burgers, according to a study by Business Insider, we are the fattest nation on the planet.
Unfortunately, we as a nation do have a severe problem with obesity amongst our ranks. Sadly, this has led to some very tragic news stories that involve morbidly obese individuals becoming fused to the furniture they could not leave. For example, a woman named Gayle Laverne Grinds died after spending “six years” on her couch. This woman was not able to move to the restroom to eliminate, nor was she able to wash after eliminating on herself. As the days, weeks, months, and even years went by, the bacterial cocktail she had been creating on herself began to fuse with her clothing, skin, and the sofa she lounged on. For six years she slowly died on that couch.
When first responders were alerted to the existence of Mrs. Grinds they “installed large air handling hoses to ventilate the horrendous odor emitting from the home…” First responders repeatedly tried to pull her four-foot, 10-inch, 480-pound frame from the couch. This of course proved to be impossible due to her muscles atrophying, and the fecal cement she had been producing for 2,190 days. She was just 38 years old.
In another tragic and similar example, “a morbidly obese man fused to a chair he had been stuck in for two years” died. This man was found sitting in his own urine and feces and covered in maggots. A first responder is said to have “been forced” to dispose of his uniform. The image below is not Mrs. Grinds, nor the unnamed man, though the pic is very much related. This is a scene from a television show called “Nip/Tuck.” The series followed the glamorous, and often pornographic lives of two plastic surgeons. Over the course of the show the doctors would often come across cases such as this. A case where only extreme plastic surgery could save a patient’s life. Art imitating life. Very sad indeed.
Is surgery the only possible course of treatment for the morbidly obese? I would disagree. There are a few treatments that can work. The first, which requires effort and discipline, would be a strict monitored diet and at least 20 minutes of light exercise a day. Light exercise in this case could include something as simple as clapping. When the body is deprived of calories and is suddenly burning calories, weight loss is quick. Seems like common sense, but the severely and morbidly obese also have another factor working for them. Because of the immense strain their bodies place on their internal organs, each heart beat requires that much more energy to happen. This creates a situation in which they can lose large amounts of weight quickly. While this is often thought of as unhealthy for normal or slightly overweight individuals, it can literally be the difference between forced fecal cement, and being able to ambulate in the extreme cases. Also, this is the least expensive course of action.
The drawbacks to this course of action are obvious. They require effort and discipline. The extremely obese often refuse to put in the effort for life saving activities. Secondly, the extremely obese are often enabled by their caregivers. The people literally turning them into a cemented fecal matter producing future corpse lack the discipline to save their loved one.
The next course of action is surgery. By the simple fact that this requires ambulation, it already has problems. If a patient cannot move under his or her own faculties, getting them transported and prepped for a surgical theatre would be extremely difficult. While not impossible given the advances in heavy equipment and medical techniques, it would be challenging. In addition to the cost and transportation issues, the morbidly obese often don’t do so well under anesthesia. Here are a few reasons why: Excess adipose tissue (fat) on the upper extremities makes it harder to place an IV catheter. Excess fat surrounding the mouth, throat, and neck can make it more difficult to place an airway tube. And on thick, cone-shaped upper arms, it can be difficult for a blood pressure cuff to detect the blood pressure accurately.
The third approach combines the first procedure and a new step. In addition to a closely monitored diet and light exercise, the patient will also become host to a Taenia saginata, or “Beef Tapeworm.” As opposed to the other species of tapeworm that can infect humans, T. saginata is incapable of infecting brain tissue in the host, a condition known as neurocysticercosis. When this occurs, small cysts erupt in the cranial tissue causing seizures, headaches, and possible blockage of cerebrospinal fluid. As such only the beef tapeworm would be a safe candidate for use in this weight-loss program.
Typically, “T. saginatainfection is usually asymptomatic, but heavy infection often results in weight loss, dizziness, abdominal pain, diarrhea, headaches, nausea, constipation, chronic indigestion, and loss of appetite.” While some of these may sound unpleasant, medication to alleviate symptoms on a patient-by-patient case will be utilized to make the accelerated weight-loss as pleasant as possible. Of course, all steps of the process are to be monitored by a healthcare provider. Once a healthy weight has been established, a one-time dosage of Praziquantel will eliminate the worm from the host intestine allowing for normal nutrition to once be established. However, because of the literal parasitism occurring, the helpful habits such as strict diet and moderate exercise must continue if weight loss is to be permanent.
Most individuals I know that are morbidly obese refuse to eat healthier, or commit to even light exercise. The third option for the morbidly obese presents what I view as the least extreme method of reducing their weight. If willingly taking on a parasite to save your life is viewed as less favorable then using your own fecal material to fuse yourself to furniture, wallowing in your filth day in and day out, and eventually dying sealed to furniture — then perhaps you as an individual do deserve to be called a “Burger.”
Author: Kaiser Wayne