The Incestuous Asher Langton
The Incestuous Asher Langton
By: Jason L. Van Dyke, Esq.
After almost twenty years of living in the South (after moving away from Michigan at the first opportunity), I have occasionally had to endure crass jokes about whether it’s legal for people to marry their first cousins in Texas. It rarely does any good to point out that Texas law does not permit such marriages because the joke is nothing more than good-natured ribbing. Unfortunately, statistics show that while about 1 in 1000 marriages are between cousins, there is a growing trend of individuals engaging in sexual relationships with closer relatives. One such person is Jacob “Asher” Langton of Omaha, Nebraska (@AsherLangton on Twitter).
Asher, the second-born son of Isaac and Rebekah Langton, was born in New Canaan, Connecticut, in July 1977. His family has a history of mental illness. Asher’s grandfather was involuntarily committed to Whiting Forensic Division Hospital in Middletown after attempting to murder Asher’s father in a gay masochistic bondage ritual. Prior to “the binding,” as it was called, Isaac was unable to procreate due to his inability to look at Rebekah’s face without losing his erection. However, Jacob and his older twin brother Esau were able to be conceived when Rebekah had the foresight to tie Isaac to the bed and ride him until orgasm while wearing a Guy Fawkes mask. Isaac would be reunited with his father when he was finally committed to Whiting for sexual deviancy, after which Rebekah moved to Oakland, California, with her two sons.
Esau was unfortunate enough to inherit his family’s curse of mental illness, but had superior physical strength (hence the common phrase “retarded strong”) and managed to avoid his mother’s bad looks. Asher was not born mentally ill – merely autistic – but was cursed with a frail body and a face that looked like the south end of a north-bound donkey. With his father committed and his autistic screeching making it nearly impossible for Asher to make friends with anyone, Esau was his only companion throughout his childhood. This close relationship would become too close for comfort after both boys hit puberty.
Shortly after turning thirteen, Esau caught Asher in the bathroom masturbating to male models in an Abercrombie & Fitch catalog. While this was not an uncommon thing for Esau to do himself, he knew that Asher was born with a micro-penis and would probably never be able to get off through self-stimulation. Esau took pity on his younger brother and began teaching him the secrets of being “the ultimate power bottom for big brother.” Thus began a deviant sexual relationship between the brothers that was characteristic of their family tree and widely accepted in a city as degenerate as Oakland. The boys finished high school having never been loved or touched except by one another.
In the passion of one of their final trysts, Asher sobbed to Esau that he would soon be leaving him to go to college in Wisconsin. It greatly angered Esau to lose the best bottom that he had ever had. At the age of eighteen, Esau’s mental illness had become apparent to all around him and he knew that his only source of pleasure while Asher was in college would be from “Mr. White’s Pony Petting Zoo,” which is at least four hours to his South in Los Angeles (more on that in my next article). While the thought of leaving behind his better half was scary to Asher, he knew that his social awkwardness and horrific aesthetics made a math degree his only chance at survival.
It should surprise no one that Asher’s attempts to date as a college student were an abysmal failure. His micro-penis earned him the name “Babybel” among Wisconsin’s men (many of whom were bottoms themselves looking for a top). Unable to find one that could please him the way Esau could, Asher made his first efforts at speaking to women. Tragically, all attempts by Asher at talking to even the plainest of girls made them drier than a summer sandstorm. All except for one: Callie. As a dominant woman looking for a submissive man – one who wasn’t even close to her equal – she viewed her relationship with Asher as a match made in heaven, except for the sex.
When it came to sex, Callie and Asher had an open marriage since they knew that they would never be able to satisfy each other sexually. Following the U.S. Supreme Court decision in Obergefell v. Hodges, Asher immediately flew back to his brother in Los Angeles so they could get married using fake names (not even California was ready to recognize an incestuous polygamous relationship between two men). Esau changed his last name to “White” for the ceremony, while Asher changed his first name to “Israel”. Thus, Esau White and Israel Langton were united in marriage. Callie, of course, remained married to Asher and took her pleasures from the plumber, the pool cleaner, and the lawn maintenance workers while her husband autistically counted her moans.
Since Asher is prohibited from working in an office environment because OSHA fears that any of his female co-workers not wearing panties will become stuck to their chairs at the sound of his voice, he remains at home as a professional internet troll and a devoted lover to his brother. Meanwhile, Callie has a real job and is the primary breadwinner of the family.
Is this story true? Maybe. You see, when Asher inaccurately accused this author of being a regular poster on Stormfront, I did a little digging. I would see someone posting on the notorious incestuous relationship site “Incest Is Best, Give Your Sister The Test” under the name @AsherLovesEsau who had remarkable parallels to Asher Langton. It is, of course, entirely possible that the whole thing was created by a skilled imposter with an axe to grind (I am certainly not the first person that Asher has pissed off), but the truth matters to me about as much as it does to Asher. For that reason, I will allow my readers to look through the evidence presented in this article and draw their own conclusions. After all, it’s only fair that I show him the exact same level of dignity and respect that he has shown to me.
Stay tuned for my next article. Between now and then, I will be interviewing Esau Langton for a special report on sexual deviancy with animals at Mr. White’s Pony Petting Zoo.
Editors Note: this column is satirical. As far as we know Asher Langton did not fuck his brother.