Proud Of Your Lawn

By: Cameron Jester

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In the Western world we take credit for discovering and acknowledging that property ownership is a human right bestowed on us at birth by our Creator. Founding documents (such as the Declaration of the Rights of Man and of the Citizen [France], Magna Carta and English Bill of Rights [England], United States Bill of Rights [America], and a few others) inspired the 1948 United Nations Universal Declaration of Human Rights, giving the world yet another gift from Western thought. However, this gift is still rejected today by countries under the tyranny of Communism. Communism tells people, “You're not able to take care of your own home, let us do it for you,” and then it leaves their houses and their neighborhoods looking like a ghetto.

This is why it is crucial for us as Western men to take pride in our property. The looser the grip is on our belongings, the closer they are to being taken. A homeowner association is an example of this reality. They are a necessary evil, but if everyone could just handle their property the way they should, we wouldn't need someone telling us when to paint, plant, and build on our own property. The fact is others around you can diminish your property value by not keeping up with their stuff, so homeowner associations are helpful. However, where a homeowner association can't get the job done, Uncle Sam will show up with regulations. So, let's talk about your yard.

If it weren't for women, a popular men's cologne would likely be called, “Perspiration & Shredded Grass.” You know what I'm talking about. You likely first smelled this from your father just after he finished mowing the lawn around 5:30 PM and mom was cooking dinner. It is a glorious aroma that God designed for all men to enjoy. Now, the torch has been passed to us and we mustn't let this flame burn out. You need to smell this way at least once a week because yard work for a man is a tradition.

A poorly kept yard says a lot about a man. Take for example how you dress for work. If you dress lazily, you are telling your employer that you don't want to be at work. Likewise, if you fail to maintain your lawn, you are telling your neighbors that you don't want to live there, and couldn't care less what they think about you. A well-manicured yard, edged and even, tells the world that inside this house there aren't Cheetos in the creases of the couch, or dog shit in the backyard. A good-looking lawn tells a person that inside that house is a man with a satisfied wife and happy kids. 

There's no shame in admitting you've been neglecting your landscaping because life gets busy. But now it is time to assess the damage. One year of neglect can cost you a lot. Walk through your entire landscape. Maybe your rose bushes look like trash because they are dying of rose rosette, a disease currently plaguing half of Texas. Those white spots all over your Crape Myrtles are called scale, easily treatable with a systemic insect control spray. Also, check your shrubs for aphids. Fungus, insect, or watering issues are easy to spot and cheap to remedy, but having to reinstall a landscape is no less expensive than going to an automotive mechanic. Landscapers get paid for what they know, not for what they do or use. They'll charge you an arm and a leg just like a mechanic would. Hopefully you have time to do the labor yourself if need be. If you're lucky, after you check everything, all you'll need to do is trim and pull weeds. 

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Note: Much of this advice only applies to Plant Hardiness Zones 7-10 http://planthardiness.ars.usda.gov/PHZMWeb/

Now that you have a clean slate, you can get started on the proactive aspect of lawn care. September is the time of year to apply pre-emergent for grassy and broad leaf weeds in your lawn. Many have done so already, but if it was done more than a few weeks ago, it probably wasn't effective due to the heat not dying down yet. Find a pre-emergent with the active ingredient “Dimension.” Fertilize your lawn as well. I recommend using Southwest Green Maker 18-0-6. When the temperature cools down to the sixties consistently, program your sprinklers to water every ten to fourteen days. This is generally a good watering schedule in the fall. Plant fall flowers such as pansies, violas, kale, snapdragons, etc., and your wife will be pumped. They'll die in March but it will make her happy. You need mulch for the winter. Water the beds before a freeze and make sure there is a thick layer of mulch down. It's like a blanket that protects the roots and watering will insulate them. 

That about wraps it up, or at least it should get you started. If you live in a place with no lawn, or a lawn under the care of someone else, take this as a reminder to wash your car or your dog. If your lawn is under the care of your parents, move out. Iron your clothes or sweep your porch. Get your shit together and then keep it that way. A Western man takes pride in his possessions. He shows others that he is self-sufficient. He tells the government to stay off his lawn. Most importantly, he sets an example for a future generation of men to be independent and proud.

To all Western Chauvinists,

I'm proud of your lawn.

For further info and help with your yard you may contact me through email at JesterLanscapeDesign@gmail.com

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Author: Cameron Jester

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